Boundaries are Useful - Notes

These are the notes I wrote for the Mysterious Studies podcast episode Boundaries are Useful. I am uploading them here for those who find it easier to take in information by reading, or who is interested to see the notes that the episode is based on.

In this episode I want to talk about boundaries. Particularly in close relationships. I will focus on intimate relationships as that's where I've experienced it most challenging to set boundaries. In truth, for a long time I didn't even understand such a thing as boundaries existed or needed to exist in close, intimate relationships, because I got so swept into it and held an idealized view of us being one. I wanted to disappear into it and meir together and let myself do so, until I realized that this intense attaching would basically always result in a just as intense need to detach.

In my three decades of life, I've had a few relationships that seemed to follow a similar pattern and end on a similar note: with me exhausted, fed up or both and just needing to get away.

At the time, I would often prescribe this all to my partner, or our dynamic, that simply they were wrong for me, or I was wrong for them or we were wrong together. And maybe there is some truth to that too. But on a deeper level I realized that there was a very similar type of pattern playing out within me and in how I was behaving in the relationship. It was so discreet and automatic that I didn't recognize it while in the relationship, but after it ended and I had some time for myself I tended to take a breath of relief: finally, I could be myself and just be in my own energy. Which begs the question, who had I been, and where had I been while I was in the relationship?

I realized, that for me, being in that state, or space, of a close intimate relationship felt a bit like being underwater. It was like I was totally enveloped by that other persons energy and I easily lost a sense of my own self. It felt like I was slowly, but surely drowning, and the only way I could breathe again, was by breaking off the relationship.

Now I can see how that was a very natural result of me being totally unable to create any boundaries. If I didn't know where I ended and the other person began while being together, of course I would have to take to extreme measures to find myself again. As in, not being together. At the time, that was all the two tools I had. Or two modes. Being together meant being totally enveloped and immersed in another's energy, but also losing my own energy and my sense of self. And being alone meant that I was in my own energy, but also that I was alone.

Finally I was in a relationship where I could notice this pattern, because this person was so rude, well actually so kind, to create enough of a boundary at me, that I could not completely start to drown. And I could actually have the space to start to see what was going on.

When someone creates a boundary at you that you are unprepared for, it can often hurt like hell. But most often it is a blessing in disguise, though it will still piss you off, if you haven't experienced clear boundaries in your life, or seen that example. If you're used to expecting people to have no boundaries, it's gonna feel like a shock when someone does set a boundary.

Now, when I'm talking about boundaries, I do want to clarify that I don't mean the kind of passive aggressive boundary where you manipulate someone to do something for you. That's not actually a boundary. What I mean is the kind of boundary where you clearly state what you need to do in order to protect your own well-being. For example you could say something like: "I need a moment alone." or that you don't want to join to do an activity. The other person is free to act in their own life, but they will have to do so without you in that particular moment.

And that was the kind of boundary being set at me, and I thought it was rude because I had not experienced such a clear boundary before in my life.

At that time, I happened to find a book about energetic auras in a used books store where the writer shared some very useful tips for creating boundaries, clearing energy and cutting energetic attachments, and that was a very supportive resource in my own journey of trying to learn to finally set some boundaries. Sometimes the universe provides the right tool at the right time, magically. Synchronistically.

As I started practicing boundary setting I started feeling more hopeful that this time around, it wouldn't all have to end the same way as all those relationships before. And not that I believe it's wrong that relationships end but I really wanted to be at least a bit more free from that particular pattern.

Maybe this time I wouldn't have to drown. Maybe this time I could learn to build a submarine or a cool magical air bubble so that I could explore the depths of a relationship without being destroyed in the process! And yes, I kind of did! Though it is still an ongoing process, as these things often are.

If you've lived your whole life thinking that boundary setting is mean and wrong it's not so easy to break that programming. But you can gently adjust it overtime, little by little.

This matter is also made more complicated by the fact that each and everyone has different needs when it comes to how much closeness or space they need to have, and these needs shift in different situations.

In addition to becoming aware of my own inability to understand my own needs and learn to set boundaries, I've realized that my previous partners have provably shared this issue in their own ways. And for some people it might be the other way around: maybe they've learned extremely strong boundaries, so strong that it can make it hard to connect with others and let other people in. In that case, their process might be a bit reversed, and be more about learning how release the boundaries a bit and let people in, in a way that feels good for them.

So what can we land in, that could be helpful to share to others about boundaries in relationships? Honestly, I don't know, because every situation is so very different and every person is very different too. So as a general advice I can only say that it can be useful to get to know yourself, and where you are in that spectrum - strong, impenetrable boundaries or none at all? And the person you're relating to, how are they? And then take it from there, observe the energy exchange between you and others if you can.

Easier said than done I know, and some times you may not be in a state where you're even able to observe anything cause maybe you just have to experience it and learn through that experience and can only be able to observe what was going on later, when youve detached from the situation. At least, that's how it's been for me.

Sonerimes it's so delicious to just be in that chaotic place and letting life flow as it does and not be in that rational observing state. If that's where you're at and want to be, just do that. If that stare changes later, then you can come back to this advice.

But I guess if you have no interest to observe these processes you might not listen to something like this anyway, so this advice is mainly aimed at people who are curious to learn more.

The thing that most supported my own process of learning about boundaries and how to set them was quite simply, to take time for myself, to be in my own energy so that I had space to see how I actually feel, abs who I am, when I'm just by myself. As I said earlier, I needed quite a drastic shift because I had close to no boundaries at all. So I lived alone for a few years, just to try to get back to myself. Or even get to know myself at all.

And then, in the next relationship, I still forgot a lot about my own need for boundary setting when I was swept into the emotions of a new relationship, and I even overstepped the other persons boundaries very severely. But that was how I learned. I guess I often have to learn things the hard way, learn through failures. The most gritty type of learning by doing. At least this time around I had the concept of boundaries and could more easily observe what was going on.

I realized that subconsciously I had the idea that I could be a kind of savior for others, by bringing them love, by comforting them and nurturing them. But this ignored the reality that sometimes the best way to love someone is by letting them be, by leaving the alone. Loving is an act and very contextual at that.

As I'm writing this, Im not sure I should even share my learnings because I don't believe I've seen it to the end yet. I've still got a lot to learn. But I guess it would be a pity to wait until I'm on my death bed to share even some of these findings, so I guess I'll just go ahead and share where I'm at right now, with the disclaimer that obviously this is just my own findings, coming from my own life experiences. Feel into it if it's useful to you or not.